Sunday was the perfect day of rest. I continued my quest to be in a better state of mind. Zack's feeling better helps a lot. With rest and finishing up his schoolwork his mood has vastly improved. Though I managed to complete a couple of loads of laundry and dishes, most of the day was devoted to resting, my mind as well as my body. Frank managed to take half the day off and go fishing with Matt, followed by loading a couple of items of furniture onto the truck for Jeff (who left for Tennessee), Zack worked on his psychology test, which was the last work to be completed for that class. Drake and Kar came to hang out with him for most of the late afternoon. It was so nice to hear laughing and teasing, Zack took a break and played video games with them and occasionally one or all three of them would come out and watch some TV with me (I'm hooked on the old TV series "Charmed", it's goofy, but that's what I need right now). I managed to make a half way decent dinner for us all, Drake and Kar joined us as well. I felt that since I have not been quite so present of late, I "owed" a nice dinner to my family, though they never complain. Once dinner was complete the kids went home and we continued to watch a one of our favorite shows, that is until Frank falls asleep.
Monday I awake with a new energy. Sometimes allowing myself to be "self absorbed" benefits everyone. The time I took this weekend allowed me to heal, process and separate the negative from the positive. By realizing that my self esteem is very low, I am now able to work on building myself back up for the betterment of everyone involved. Staying on track with Weight Watchers has really contributed in a positive manner and I'm already feeling better physically. I realized that being quiet and going within, I was finding the answers I have been looking for, they have always been right in front of me, but I have quite often allowed others to guide me in the direction they wanted. I have let go of some of the stubbornness and opened my eyes to new changes. My mother will be the first to tell you that I can be a bull headed (well I am Taurus) and tend to stomp my feet when I don't want to do something, like the little girl having a tantrum because I couldn't have candy in the five and dime.
I was again excited to go to work, to start the new week with more energy and a new outlook. Zack was still asleep so I wasn't sure how he was feeling. Somehow though, I knew he was better just because of his attitude last night. He must have gotten a good night's sleep as I only heard him get up once. Frank was getting ready to go to work, so I let him finish up his papers as I headed out the door. I made a declaration to the world, "I appreciate your advise, but I am fragile and can not and will not take criticism regarding my sons care." Somehow by declaring this out loud, I gave myself permission to listen, give thanks and not feel judged. Something, that of late has been very hard to do.
The day went smoothly, my energy increased with each hour. My smile which started out false, became genuine. My gratitude increased when I received a phone call in response to an earlier email sent to the Vice Principal and Zack's teachers. Ms. C. called to advise that Zack had stopped by the school to drop off his psychology work and once he turns in his English paper this week, he will indeed be an early graduate! Music to my ears!! She says that she can't believe that he was able to actually finish the four classes and his Senior paper with everything he is going through. She really didn't think he would be physically or mentally able to do it! As I spread the word, others were in total agreement. Mom said that though she didn't agree with my pushing him to do it week after week, she now understood why I did and is so proud of his accomplishment. He will be crossing the stage in the Summer with his friends, but the next six months he will only need to focus on getting better after each treatment and staying healthy.
I spoke with the nurse that handles all of our claims at the Insurance Company, Melissa has become a distant friend, who advises us, gives us support and genuinely cares about Zack care. She is the one that approves the treatments for the insurance company. She had called to check up on Zack and after we discussed a $13,000 bill from his radiation treatments (which is to be covered by insurance), I told her I had some good "personal news" to share. She sounded so excited when I told her of his early graduation. She said "Sabrina, no one has ANY idea how huge this is, he is on one of the strongest doses of chemotherapy and to be able to handle four courses and a Senior paper through all of this is amazing, he is one very special young man." Of course I have to agree, he has taught us so much about inner strength and determination.
I finish up at work and Frank calls to tell me he is about to wrap up the inside water feature. He tells me to grab dinner for Zack and I and he will pick something up on the way home. I call Zack who is out with Drake, washing and cleaning out his truck (in the very cold weather). We agree to meet at the Chinese buffet (which is funny because that's where Nancy and I had lunch... hey one can never have too much sushi). As I walk in the servers tease and ask if I'm coming back in for breakfast. I simply look at them as they are looking at Zack (Drake joined us as well) and tell them "whatever my boys want, they get". No other words need to be exchanged, they understand and give a loving smile.
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| Drake and Zack (my boys) |
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