It came to me in the middle of the night like a bolt of lightening. Actually, it was "approprie" as I was awakened by a large thunder storm. I have been running around telling everyone everything was fine, going smoothly, and we had all our angels around us when needed. SO very true, every word of it!! But on the inside? " I'm fucking freaking out!!! sorry, those of you who know me well, are probably surprised that word hasn't shown up until now.
I came to realize that I have been taking my frustrations out on "outsiders".. those whom I do not have a personal relationship with. But are there really outsiders? Not really. We are all trying to survive, battling our own demons, at time just trying to make it through another day, sleep another night without waking up in fear or panic about something we can't control. I yelled at the Doctors nurses because they couldn't get my mothers prescription right for the third month in a row, the pharmacist because he couldn't fix it for me, the cashier because she didn't want to fix it for me, then the insurance agent (three weeks after my initial requests) who was not taking my concern seriously enough when told my house insurance would not even cover my mortgage, the eye doctors staff because they are more busy learning the new computer system than ordering my sons contact lenses, which was requested two weeks ago, only to find out they ordered them and didn't feel a call was warranted.
I knew what I was going through, even know the fear of my husband, son and mother whom adores her grandson and hates that he is even going through any of this. But what are these "outsiders" going through. Just last week I "thought" I was becoming more compassionate, and yet I am so embarrassed at my treatment of others this past week. Am I justified in being angry and frustrated with their apparent lack of customer service, yes. But.. Am I justified in treating them as if they were less than human? NO!!! I woke up wanting to send them all flowers and a note of apology. Since that would be overboard, I am simply going to forgive myself, and make sure that my next interactions with "outsiders" is kind and compassionate. Explain in a calm, loving manner what I need and KNOW that they are going to take care of us. If I find the need to yell, punch or scream.. My son has a great punching bag and we live in the mountains so I can yell and scream at the sky!!!
Here's to all the "outsiders" in our lives, may they one day become our friends.
just one thought :-) but first of all....don't be so hard on yourself, Brie...you are amazing, you ARE coping...but you are human! It is OK to be angry and so often we let our anger out on those we love the most, but you are a better person, by not doing just that!
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